Spinward Launches Presidential Campaign

By Odds Botkins

What started as an internet fluke has become a grass-routes movement to put a virtual unknown in the White House. Both political parties are finding themselves wondering if they did, indeed, put their best candidates forward as neither can draw the crowds or have the command of the English language that the mysterious "Spinward" seems to be so comfortable with.

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It's truly a wake-up call for both parties as Obama seems to be completely distressed when his teleprompter is not working and McCain seems to be completely distressed when Obama's teleprompter is working. Is this election going to be based on sound bites from candidates that are incapable of producing the words they speak on their own? When asked about his thoughts on the issue, Spinward graciously replied, "I don't want to point out weaknesses in my opponents when there are so many things that we could be focusing on that would actually benefit our great country. Any references to Obama's frequent and ongoing drug use or references to the issue of McCain being older than cotton will NOT be used by my campaign." With that statement, he smiled in a way that communicated a warm feeling of sincere compassion felt by all of the members of the attending press corps, some of whom were visibly moved to tears.

Spinward seems to be well versed, unlike his opponents, on a wide variety of issues and has a common-sense approach that spans the divisions between Republicans and Democrats. One senior Democratic official, who agreed to be quoted on the condition of anonymity, said, "Well, you can't argue with the guy and sound clever at all."

On energy, Spinward is quoted as saying, "I refuse to declare war on American oil until the Saudis declare war on Saudi oil. American oil companies are more environmentally friendly than any of their foreign counterparts. While my administration will tirelessly pursue alternative, renewable energy sources, we will need to expand our capacities to acquire and refine as there is currently no such thing as a solar powered passenger airplane." He then equated this approach to being able to "Walk and chew gum at the same time," and said, to the approving laughter of those present, that he invited anyone who couldn't do both simultaneously to step forward in disagreement... nobody did.

On the war on terror, Spinward said, "While me must strike fear into the hearts of those who plan to harm us, the uniformed members of our military must adhere strictly to honorable codes of conduct." He then went on to outline an impressive shift of military spending to the CIA and Secret Service. When asked what he would hope to accomplish, he replied, "James Bond times ten thousand. Can you picture that?" Again, the crowd applauded approvingly, several noting that CIA and Secret Service don't wear uniforms... while Spinward smiled and winked in acknowledgement. Under his breath he was heard saying the words, "Plausible deniability."

The only gaff so far was attributed to a staffer who promised that Spinward would be available to "Kiss some gents and give cigars to all the babies" at an upcoming rally. Spinward denied his willingness to do either, claiming that facial hair was a personal turn-off and also noted that babies were not likely to fully appreciate a fine cigar. It later became known that the staffer was a plant from the McCain campaign, but after being in Spinward's presence for a short period of time has switched allegiances and is now fully supporting Spinward's candidacy.

As the crowd was leaving, this reporter noticed Democrats and Republicans alike were lining up for buttons and bumper stickers...

Thanks for the fun, my friends. Sometimes we all need a break.